Don't Make Me Beg
by zelda49
Summary: [RebeccaBooth] They might have been a happy little family, but then she found out about his past.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I was re-watching "The Man in the Fallout Shelter" the other day, and was struck (again) by one of Booth's lines when he's talking to Parker's mother trying to arrange his son's visit to the lab for Christmas: "Please don't make me beg..." It made me wonder what exactly this woman did to him to break his heart so badly, and this is what I came up with. It also suggests a reason why he's so reluctant to talk about his Army days. Let me know what you all think, and, as always, enjoy :-)

* * *

"Seeley, I'm pregnant."

Special Agent Seeley Booth sat opposite his long-time girlfriend, Rebecca Stinson, only the coffee table separating them in the small apartment. She had asked him over that night, giving no hint of the news she held until after he had settled himself in the easy chair she kept around especially for him. Perched on the couch just a few feet away, she had taken a deep breath and, without preamble, delivered the information.

He didn't respond right away, stunned into silence, his mind a numb blank. It seemed like eons passed before he finally recognized his own thought: _I must be dreaming._

"What?" he finally asked.

Rebecca pressed her lips tightly together, steadying her voice before speaking again. "I'm pregnant," she repeated slowly.

"You're sure?"

It was a stupid question, and she could tell he felt dumb as soon as the words left his lips, but she answered anyway. "I'm sure."

His brain began to slowly function again, regaining a few thought processes at a time like a computer re-booting itself. _But we were so careful._ "How…how far along?"

"The doctor says six to eight weeks," she said softly.

The next question was out of his mouth before it even fully formed in his mind. "What are we going to do?"

"I was hoping you might have some ideas."

He studied the woman across from him, taking in the face he had caressed so many times, the arms that had held him close, the toes she stood up on to kiss him, the abdomen that sheltered his baby.

_Our baby. Our child. _He stood and moved easily to the couch, taking her hands in his and running his thumbs over the smooth skin. He knew what he wanted to do. He also knew what he needed to do first.

"Rebecca, I want to marry you," he told her, squeezing her hands gently.

Her eyes lit up. "You what?"

"I want to marry you," he repeated, the hint of a smile pulling at his lips. He knew she'd been waiting for him to ask, and he'd been wanting to for months now. The smile faded as he steeled himself against his next sentence. "But before I ask you, there's something you need to know about me."

The sparkle in her eyes clouded over at the serious tone of his voice. "Okay."

He shifted beside her, brushing his thumbs over her hands again, trying to draw strength from her touch as he had so many times in the past. "You know that I was in the Army."

She nodded carefully. "You had just gotten out when we met."

"And you know that I don't talk much about what I did in the Army."

"You always said it was too painful to talk about. Seeley, that never bothered me. I love you…"

"I know you do, and I love you, too, so much. But you need to hear this."

Her voice was more hesitant this time, unsure. "O-kay."

_The truth will set you free_, he assured himself, hoping the old Bible passage would prove correct. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to meet her gaze. "Sweetheart, I was a sniper. A company commander somewhere early in my career discovered that I could shoot a rifle pretty well—better than most guys in fact—and they trained me to be a sniper."

"You…were…a sniper?"

The words came to him as though he was underwater, and he nodded in slow motion. "Someone picked out a target, the intelligence guys told me everything they knew about the target…and it was my job to hunt that target down."

"_Target_?" She grimaced and began to draw away from him. "You mea _person_."

He nodded again, the pain evident in his dark eyes. "Yeah, person," he croaked.

"You…" she put it all together in her mind and pulled back in horror, snatching her hands away. "You _killed_ people!"

He couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't speak. He wanted to reach for her, to explain to her why he had taken that path in the military, but found himself powerless to do so.

"You killed people!" she repeated, rising from the couch.

"It was my job," he managed.

Bad choice of words. "Your _job_?" she demanded, her voice heavy with disgust. "Your _job_ was to take people's lives, Seeley! You got paid for murder!"

"Becca…" he began, using his pet name for her.

She cut him off. "No! All this time you never bothered to tell me? You were a goddamned _hit man_ and you never thought it might be important?"

He blinked back the tears in his eyes, desperate to push away the despair welling up inside him. He had been called worse, certainly, but never by the woman he loved more than anything else in the world. _Don't let her see you cry!_ "I'm telling you now," he almost whispered. "You deserve to know the truth about the man who wants to be your husband and a father for our baby…"

"No," she stopped him, her voice low and deadly calm. "I don't ever want to see you again. And you will _never_ be a father to my child."

He rose, unsteady on his feet, attempting a jerky step toward her.

She held out a hand in front of her as if to ward him off and backed herself against the farthest wall. "Get out!" she ordered.

He tried, out of reflex perhaps, another step toward her, wanting to comfort her, to make her understand. She reacted by pressing herself even more tightly against the wall, the fear written plainly on her features.

He was stunned. _She's afraid of me. This woman knows me better than anyone else in the world…and she's afraid of me._

Dropping his chin to his chest, he let himself out and stumbled his way back to the car before the dam broke. He knew he had lost Rebecca. His life with her was over. The anguish began to pour out of him, and he mourned the death of what he knew was true love.

Slumped over the steering wheel, his hands covering his face, Seeley Booth cried.


	2. Chapter 2

For two weeks after, he stayed away from Rebecca. Every second they spent apart ripped open the hole in his heart just a little wider, but he held out hope that after the initial shock of his news, she might relent and at least speak to him again. He wanted to call her, to talk to her, or talk to her mother. Hell, he'd even talk to her father, and Mr. Stinson hated Seeley with a passion.

Every time Seeley caught himself reaching for the phone, he'd force himself to stop. "No," he decided. "When she's ready, she'll call."

Another week passed with no word. He began to worry that something had happened to her, or to the baby, but again restrained himself from calling.

"I basically confessed to being a government-sanctioned serial killer," he sighed. "That's not exactly easy to hear about the man you've been with for so long, who is also the father of the child you just found out you're having. Maybe she just needs more time."

When a full month had gone by, Seeley could no longer stand waiting. He didn't bother with the phone, but drove directly to her apartment after work and rang the buzzer. He waited a few moments and rang again, searching the parking lot for her car. He tried a third time, but when she still didn't answer and he found no sign of her vehicle, he realized she wasn't home.

But he knew where she was.

Another twenty minutes in the car brought him to a familiar house on a familiar street, with a very familiar car parked in the driveway. He once again trudged up to the door and rang the bell, wondering if he were doing the right thing. _Maybe it really _is_ better for me to stay away…_

"Seeley." Rebecca's voice was both surprised and disappointed. "How did you know I was here?"

"I know you," he smiled softly. "When something's wrong, you still go home to your parents."

Her heart fluttered. He _did_ know her, and he loved her. _But this isn't about just me anymore._ She opened the screen door and stepped onto the porch rather than inviting him into the house. "You shouldn't be here. If Daddy finds you, he'll kill you."

"Killing a federal agent will get you in big trouble," he tried to joke. The words came out half-heartedly.

Rebecca frowned. "You know what I mean. You never were his favorite person, and now…"

He stepped toward her and took her hands in his, squeezing gently. "It isn't what your father thinks of me that matters. It's what you think that concerns me."

His hands felt good around hers, so strong and comforting, like they had always been. _People change_, a little voice in her head insisted. _He isn't a murderer, he arrests them now. And he _did_ tell you about his past eventually. _Then another, firmer voice spoke up. _But do people really change that much? Are you willing to risk your baby to find out?_

She hardened herself against the feelings he stirred up inside her. "I think you'd better leave."

"Rebecca, wait. Just hear me out…"

She shook her head. "No, Seeley. I thought a lot about this. I admit that I overreacted when you told me…" Her voice trailed off and she let the phrase hang in the air a moment before clearing her throat. "…when you told me about your military career, and I apologize for that. I felt betrayed. The man I know would never have taken even one life. But you…took a lot of lives…and kept it from me…"

She withdrew her hands from his and took a step backward, distancing herself physically and emotionally from him. "How do I know I can trust you with our baby?" she finished quietly.

_I'm losing her! _"I did take a lot of lives," he confirmed, trying to keep his voice steady. "But there was a reason for every one…"

She turned and opened the door, breathing deeply to keep herself calm as she stepped into the house. "No," she repeated. "It's too late."

He pulled open the door behind her and moved inside, reaching out both hands and laying them on her shoulders. "Rebecca, you know me…you _know_ what kind of man I am…we can work this out…"

Tears formed in her eyes at his touch. She had loved this man so much, but his words triggered repulsion in her stronger than she had ever felt. "I thought you were a good man," she replied through gritted teeth. "But now I know better."

"Becca…"

Her response came in the form of a whisper. "You're a liar and a murderer and a coward, Seeley, and I don't want my child to grow up to be like you."

He was stunned into silence at her accusations. _But she's right. I am all those things. And I don't deserve to be a father._

He released her shoulders and turned, pushing open the screen door and silently exiting the house. She refused to watch him go, but found that she was rooted to the floor where she stood, unable to just walk away from the man who had been the love of her life. She waited until she heard the car door slam, then fled to the living room, burying her face in her hands, desperately trying to ignore the ache in her heart.


	3. Chapter 3

Six and a half months passed with no communication from Rebecca. Seeley threw himself into his work, solving cases and catching criminals for the FBI as some sort of self-imposed penance, a way to make up for the destruction he knew he had caused as a Ranger, to save his soul from the damnation that he was convinced awaited him. He knew that he needed to atone for the lives he had taken, to find a way to become the man Rebecca had thought he had been.

He wondered often how Rebecca was doing, wondered what it would be like to be with her through the pregnancy, to experience the development of their baby together. He had been frightened when she had delivered the news, absolutely terrified of becoming a father. But now he lay in bed at night and imagined what it would be like to have a family with the woman he loved. Would the child have his eyes? Rebecca's nose? Her mother's sense of humor? His father's love of airplanes? Every night he asked himself the same questions, and every night he fell asleep without answers.

Then a phone call changed everything.

"Seeley," Rebecca's mother said when he answered.

"Mrs. Stinson?" he asked, more than a little surprised to hear from her. "Has Rebecca changed her mind about me?"

"No, she hasn't, and that's why I'm calling. My daughter is a grown woman, and she is entitled to handle her life however she sees fit, but I do not agree with her decision to keep you away from the baby. You have a right to know your son."

The last two words knocked him flat. "My son?" he asked quietly.

"He was born last night," Mrs. Stinson confirmed. "Seven pounds six ounces, twenty inches long. He has a head full of sandy, curly hair, and Seeley…he already has your smile."

He found he could barely speak. "What…did she…name him?" he croaked.

"Parker Thomas. My maiden name and…"

"…my father's middle name," he finished in a whisper. _So she does still care about me._

"Yes." The older woman paused a moment, contemplating her next move. She decided to go with her instincts. "He's at George Washington University Hospital, in the nursery. You should go see him."

He knew how well that would go over. "I don't think Rebecca would appreciate…"

"You should go," she repeated. "I'll talk to Rebecca. Go meet your son."

He hung up the phone and discovered tears in his eyes at the thought of the baby. _My son._

As soon as he could get away from work, he made his way over to GWU Hospital and asked directions to the nursery. Winding his way around the vast building, he noticed that his steps were growing slower and slower as he neared his destination.

_Because I'm afraid what Rebecca will say? Or because I'm afraid of tainting the baby with my presence?_

He finally stumbled upon the nursery, where Rebecca's mother stood waiting for him by the big window.

"You came," she smiled.

He nodded. "I may not get another chance," he explained.

She signaled the nurse, who returned her smile and snaked down the rows of incubators until she found the baby she was looking for. Lifting up a small blue bundle, the nurse motioned Seeley to come closer.

He shot a questioning glance at Mrs. Stinson, who responded with an encouraging expression. Taking a deep breath, he moved hesitantly into the nursery.

"Here he is," the nurse beamed. "Little Parker, just as healthy as can be."

She offered the baby to his father and Seeley wavered.

"It's okay," the nurse smiled. "Lots of new fathers are nervous about holding their babies, but I'll be right here with you until you're at ease. Everything's going to be fine."

_If you only knew how _not_ fine things are. _"O-okay," he answered.

The nurse showed him how to hold the child securely, then lowered him into his father's arms, slowly letting go herself. "There you go," she cooed. "Safe and sound in Daddy's arms."

Seeley smiled apprehensively, pulling the blanket back from the baby's face a little more to take a good look at him. "Hey there, buddy," he whispered.

Little Parker heard the sound of an unfamiliar voice and gradually focused his newborn eyes on the owner of the voice.

"Yeah, hey," Seeley smiled, his comfort level increasing with each passing disaster-free second. "Hey little guy…I'm your Daddy."

The tears that had formed in his eyes at the news of Parker's birth suddenly resurfaced, and this time they refused to remain contained in his eyes. They spilled down his cheeks, dripping off his nose and dropping onto the blanket, but he did nothing to stop them. He knew he couldn't have if he'd tried. He was holding his son, the child he thought he'd never know, and he was completely smitten.

Then the moment was shattered.

"Seeley? What are you doing here?"

Rebecca's harsh voice made his head shoot up. Mrs. Stinson and the nurse had disappeared, leaving him to fend for himself. "Rebecca, I just wanted to see him…"

She nodded bitterly. "My mother called you, didn't she? I told her not to. I _told_ her you were no longer part of our lives."

"But I want to be," he insisted, sniffling as his gaze shiftied back to the baby. "I want to know him…and for him to know me."

"No…"

He cut her off. "I have rights, too, Rebecca. I'm his father, and I don't want to be just a biological footnote." His eyes rose again to hers and pierced her heart. "I want to be his Dad."

"I don't know," she hesitated, memories of the man she had fallen in love with flooding her mind. Then his past came screaming back to her consciousness. "No," she repeated, more firmly this time. "He will _not_ grow up to be like you."

Her words stung him but he tried again, almost begging this time. "He'll find out that I was in the Army, but that's as far as it has to go. No one outside my unit knows what we did, and we can keep it that way. Please…let me be a part of his life…he never has to know what I was…"

She felt her will beginning to crumble. _Can I really deny my little boy his father?_ "I dictate the terms of his upbringing," she answered resolutely. "No questions, no input from you. I get full custody, you get supervised visits when I say you can see him."

"Anything you want," Seeley agreed quickly. _Maybe in time she'll learn to trust me again, as long as she doesn't shut me out now. _"I'll do anything you want."

"And Parker will _not _know anything about your military career."

"I swear…"

Rebecca stepped toward him, taking the baby gently from Seeley's arms and swallowing hard. "Fine. I'll call you when he's ready to see you again."

The FBI agent watched them leave the nursery, waiting until Parker was completely out of sight before heaving a heavy sigh and wiping his eyes. The fighting was long from over, he knew, but at least he had managed to win round one.

'_Bye buddy. Daddy will see you soon._


End file.
